Let's be honest: if we didn't laugh, we'd probably just be hiding in the pantry with a bag of snacks. Parenting is a beautiful mess, and sometimes the only effective survival strategy is a healthy sense of humour and a very large cup of coffee. These quotes are for the days when the house is a disaster, the kids are vibrating at a frequency only dogs can hear, and you need a reminder that you aren't the only one navigating this "guerilla warfare" with a smile.
"Never have more children than you have car windows."
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle: 'Keep away from children'."
"I thought I'd never be 'that' parent. And then I had a kid."
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare."
"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one."
"A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic."
"Children are a great comfort to us in our old age, and they help us reach it faster, too."
"I don't want to go to heaven if there are no children there."
"My kids call it 'yelling.' I call it 'motivational speaking.'"
"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it."
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children."
"Small children: the only people who can make you feel like a celebrity and a servant in the same ten seconds."
"Coffee: Because parenting without it is just 'being awake' and nobody wants that."
"Toddlers are like tiny dictators with no sense of logic and a lot of demands."
"You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store alone feels like a spa vacation."
"I'm just a mom, standing in front of my kids, asking them to please put their shoes on for the fourteenth time."
"Having a toddler is like being on a really bad reality TV show where you're the only one who doesn't know the script."
"If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them."
"Kids are like a high-speed chase that never ends—and you're the one on foot."
"My house was clean last week. Sorry you missed it."