"I Love My Child, But I Regret Being a Mother": Breaking the Silence on Parental Regret

The Heavy Silence of Parental Regret

First, I want to give you a virtual hug. What you are feeling is one of the last great taboos in Singaporean society, but I need you to hear this clearly: feeling regret does not make you a "monster," nor does it mean you don't love your child. The "Supermum" myth is sold to us daily, but the reality is that parenting is an unrelenting, 24/7 job with no resignation path. It is entirely possible to adore the small person you've created while deeply grieving the life, identity, and freedom you lost to bring them here.

Moving forward requires a shift in perspective. You need to separate your love for your child from your satisfaction with the role of a parent. You are currently viewing your life through the lens of "all-or-nothing"—that to be a good mother, you must enjoy every mundane second of it. That's a lie. To move forward, we have to stop treating motherhood as your entire identity and start treating it as one significant, albeit demanding, part of a much larger life. We need to move from "trapped" to "structured," creating boundaries that allow the "old you" to breathe again.

Actionable Steps to Reclaim Your Sanity

1. Reclaim your "non-parent" identity

You mentioned missing being "me." Start small by carving out non-negotiable time that has absolutely nothing to do with being a mother. Whether it's a solo gym session, a pottery class, or just sitting in a cafe at the mall without a diaper bag, you must re-engage with the woman you were before the stroller took over. Aim for at least three hours a week where the "Mummy" switch is firmly turned off.

2. Audit and redistribute the mental load

Regret is often fuelled by burnout. Sit down with your partner (or support system) and do a hard audit of the daily chores and mental management. Are you the one always remembering vaccination dates, school snacks, and enrichment schedules? It's time to offload. Use simply a shared Google Calendar to ensure the cognitive burden is split 50/50. If you can afford it, outsource the cleaning or meal prep once a week.

3. Practice "good enough" parenting

The "Kiasu" culture in Singapore often makes us feel we must provide a 5-star childhood. Give yourself permission to be "good enough." Your child doesn't need organic, home-cooked kale every night or three different weekend classes. They need a parent who isn't a shell of themselves. Lowering the bar on domestic perfection allows you to reclaim the energy you're currently wasting on guilt.

4. Seek professional neutrality

Sometimes, these feelings are tied to undiagnosed postnatal depletion or depression that has lingered. Speaking to a therapist who specialises in maternal mental health can provide a safe space to voice "ugly" thoughts without judgement. They can help you untangle the threads of regret so they don't turn into resentment toward your child.

5. Build a "no-judgement" village

Find your tribe of honest parents. Look for communities (online or offline) where people don't just talk about milestones, but also about the misery. Knowing that other mums also occasionally stare at the wall and wish they were on a one-way flight to London is incredibly healing. Shared honesty removes the power that regret has over you.

The "What NOT to Do" Checklist

• Don't Compare Your "Inside" to Their "Outside"
  That mum at the playground looking "fulfilled" might be crying in the shower at 11 PM. Social media and public personas are curated; your internal struggle is real but not unique.
• Don't Confuse the Role with the Child
  Remind yourself: "I hate the repetitive tasks of parenting, but I love my child." Disliking the job doesn't mean you dislike the "client." This distinction stops the spiral of self-loathing.
• Don't Suffer in Absolute Silence
  Isolation breeds resentment. If you don't talk to someone—a friend, a spouse, or a professional—the regret will eventually leak out in your interactions with your child.
• Don't Try to "Over-Parent" to Compensate for Guilt
  Many parents who feel regret try to "make up for it" by being even more perfect, which leads to deeper burnout. Don't run faster when you're already on the wrong road.
• Don't Assume This Feeling is Permanent
  Parenting is a series of seasons. The "all-consuming" phase of early childhood ends. As your child grows more independent, you will naturally regain parts of your autonomy.

A Necessary Reality Check

Here is the hard truth: the regret might never fully vanish, and that is okay. You cannot "undo" a child, and wishing for a different life doesn't change the one you have. However, you can change the architecture of your daily existence. Acceptance is a powerful tool. Once you accept that it's okay to feel regret, the guilt loses its grip, and you can focus on building a life that is sustainable and meaningful, even if it wasn't the one you'd choose if you had a time machine.

Real-Life Support Resources

1. Care Corner Singapore
   Provides family counselling and support groups for parents struggling with the emotional demands of child-rearing.
2. Samaritans of Singapore (SOS)
   If the feeling of being "trapped" becomes overwhelming or leads to dark thoughts, their 24-hour hotline is a vital safety net.
3. Family Service Centres (FSC) Locator
   A gateway to local social services and professional counselling based in your neighbourhood.
4. Clarity Singapore
   Specialises in mental health services, including support for postnatal depression and maternal anxiety.
5. PAVE
   While focused on family violence, they offer excellent resources on healthy family dynamics and emotional regulation.